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| From Back to the North Island, NZ |
The lack of blog postings can be attributed to the fact that I'm a little busy. I'm busy living in the moment, which doesn't allow time for documenting things that happened to me yesterday, or a few weeks ago.
But this is where I am right now. Looking at the ocean. And far far far away on the other side of that great big blue is the U.S. (California to be more precise). I miss it tremendously. I can't say that all traveling is fun or easy but I feel like I've been handed this great opportunity to see the world, meet its people and ignore all the things that make us different.
I know now beyond any shadow of a doubt that so much of what's important is at home with your friends and your family and the people who know you. That part of me wants to abandon the journey and go home. The other part of me that doesn't give up easily wants me to stay, because once you get wrapped up in schedules and bills and paperwork, its so hard to escape again. In fact, it's hard to break free of whatever spinning wheel you find yourself on. And the reality is, I'm in New Zealand RIGHT NOW, I have a plane ticket to fly to India on Friday for a two week yoga retreat and a tour of both the northern and southern regions of a country that I don't understand at all.
I tend to make plans, then when it actually comes down to executing them, I can't really remember why I made those plans to begin with and more importantly, if I actually want to do what it is I've made plans to do. But I never seem to deviate from that even if I'm pretty sure I don't really what to do that thing that I've planned on doing. Spontaneity, on a large scale, is a challenge.
But I've been living out of a car for the last two months as a vagabond, a vagrant, a complete waste of time, resources...just a slap in the face to productivity. For two months I haven't had a clue where I'd be or what I'd be doing on any given day. No plans. No schedule. And now I've been getting ready to go to India, while simultaneously looking for a job and a place to live in Mt. Maunganui in the Bay of Plenty, and for someone who used to be so organized, and whose life was so well planned out, I'm finding it difficult now to make plans beyond the next day or two. I haven't even bought my return ticket from India. And I only bought my ticket to India yesterday. Is that cool and brilliant? or completely stupid and irresponsible? What happened?
Anyway, I'm graced with this beautiful ocean front view because I'm staying with two doctors (couchsurfing.com I can't explain how incredible this community is. sign up. just do it.) and it makes me want to make a lot of money so i can have a house on the beach. But right now, I'm not being very good about furthering my career. i dont have a career. and I'm getting a little concerned by the fact that that doesnt really bother me at all. I used to be terrified of failure, and now I'm not really convinced as to what failure actually is. I wish I could say that all that really matters is that you're happy. But I'm not really all that happy. Not all the time anyway. Sure, i'm having a lot of fun, but my current circumstances aren't really making me any more or less happy than my 'normal' life did.
And then there's stress, which follows me everywhere. don't think that just because I don't work a 9-5 job I dont get stressed. i do.
So I'm going to India. Not to find myself. Not to have some magical spiritual awakening. but because I have the OPPORTUNITY to go to India. I haven't thought about it all that much. I don't know where I'm going exactly when I get there (haven't looked at a map). I haven't even begun to think about packing. I'm picking up some malaria pills tomorrow (i hope).
Maybe it's just procrastination, but maybe it's that I've finally figured out how to get out of my own head. What an amazing revelation! Now if only I could figure out what I'm doing here.
I'm not trying to be happy. I'm not seeking happiness, or contentment or fulfillment in any way. I don't think I'm looking for anything actually. Happy-ness. I'd don't really know what that is. Happiness and sadness are impermanent anyway, so no matter how happy you are or how sad you are, you won't stay that way long, so why search for or try to attain something that is so fleeting anyway? I just think life is really cool. and the world is really cool. and learning all about it and experiencing different things is just a great way to spend a day. I'm totally fascinated by the world I get to live in and I love learning and I'm kinda starting to think that's what it's all about. If we could all just be more inquisitive, simply for the sake of learning, we'd be so preoccupied by all the interesting-ness that surrounds us, we wouldnt be able to go to war or kill people or say mean things, because all we'd want to do is ask questions, be active students of our world. I want to be a student forever. After 16 years of formal education, i feel like my brain is finally starting to work. (ironic considering the random ramble of words that precedes this statement!)
Point is (if in fact I have one. I don't really know where the rest of this sentence is headed) (pause)
Point is, it doesn't really matter what the hell you decide to do with your day. You could sit behind a desk, or you could go to India. Neither will make you 'happy.' But who cares?! India is just more interesting. so for now, I choose India.
Go read a book!
Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
